Narcissists are known to be incredibly predictable. When they acknowledge that a relationship is genuinely finished and that there is no possibility of restoration, this predictability becomes especially apparent. They frequently use three distinct strategies in these situations, which we'll look at today. What can you anticipate, then, when a narcissist realizes you're never coming back? Ironically, they will probably become much more interested in you. The forbidden fruit attitude, which makes the impossible incredibly alluring, is what motivates narcissists.
Although this propensity is somewhat inherent in human nature, narcissists take it too far because of their deep inner emptiness. They live in a dream world that frequently verges on delusion, particularly when it comes to their own value, skills, and aptitudes. This exaggerated view of oneself shows itself as a feeling of entitlement and superiority. They are forced to face the gap you've left behind when they realize how permanent your departure is. They fervently long for what they have lost, and this emptiness is extremely disturbing.
It’s crucial to acknowledge that narcissists rarely pursue those they deem “riffraff.” If a narcissist has invested significant time and energy in a relationship with you, it’s because you possess qualities they value; at the very least, you enhance their self-image in some way. This dynamic applies to all types of relationships, not just romantic ones. Consequently, when faced with the loss of someone who provided them with positive reflection, they invariably resort to hoovering tactics, attempting to draw you back into the cycle of abuse. This is almost guaranteed.
Advanced preparation is your greatest defense against future pain and trauma. There’s no expiration date on a narcissistic hoover. Instances of hoovering have been reported after decades of no contact. When this occurs, it’s essential not to mistake it for genuine affection or remorse; it has nothing to do with you as an individual and everything to do with their desperate need to fulfill their own selfish needs at your expense.
If they succeed in drawing you back, the forbidden fruit allure quickly fades, and you’re thrust back into the toxic abuse cycle. This cycle unfolds in three phases: idealization, love bombing, devaluation, and discard, punctuated by projection, gaslighting, lying, and deception. The love bombing phase initiates the cycle either for the first time or as a re-entry point after a period of separation. This is a crucial point to understand: you are being lured back into a destructive pattern of idealization, devaluation, and eventual discard.
Many are familiar with this cycle, having experienced it in various relationships—romantic, familial, and professional. It’s an undeniably painful experience, particularly for empathetic individuals who approach relationships with good intentions. If the narcissist manages to regain a foothold, they may temporarily transform into the person you initially hoped they would be. They exhibit improved behavior, saying and doing all the right things, even offering seemingly sincere apologies. You might find yourself thinking they’re finally showing up on time, being kind and respectful, and demonstrating genuine care and remorse. They make promises, hoping you’ll fall for their carefully constructed facade.
However, this improved behavior is fleeting; it’s a temporary mask. If the stakes are sufficiently high, they might maintain the charade for a few months, but inevitably, the mask slips, and the devaluation phase begins. You become the target once again, subjected to blame-shifting and projections of their own neuroses and psychoses. If you’ve allowed them back in and haven’t maintained strict no contact while engaging in your own healing process, you’ve essentially restarted the entire cycle. When you realize it’s time to escape again, you’ll be starting from square one. It doesn’t become easier with subsequent attempts; it only becomes more difficult, inflicting deeper emotional wounds, greater embarrassment, and more profound trauma.
The consequences—emotional, psychological, spiritual, physical, and financial—become increasingly severe with each relapse into the destructive relationship. Therefore, before succumbing to their words and this sudden inexplicable transformation into the person they previously failed to be, proceed with extreme caution. The likelihood of further pain and trauma is exceptionally high; it’s often merely a matter of time.
Now, let’s assume their attempts at hoovering and love bombing, designed to exploit your vulnerabilities, have failed. You’ve not only established no contact, but you’re also actively prioritizing your own healing and recovery. Your time, energy, and resources are dedicated to self-love, self-care, and cultivating your best self. Consequently, their tactics and strategies have proven ineffective.
What follows? The deployment of flying monkeys—meddling individuals from their network: family, friends, neighbors, even co-workers. These are people who lack boundaries, common sense, and possess a distorted understanding of the situation. They believe they possess all the facts despite having only a biased and incomplete narrative. These individuals often claim good intentions, offering unsolicited advice from their limited perspective. While some may be genuinely naïve and well-meaning, others, truly aligned with the narcissist, often harbor their own agendas, which are unlikely to serve your best interests.
Be wary of these flying monkeys; they provide a valuable opportunity to practice setting healthy boundaries. When these tactics fail, what’s next? Fabricated narratives and false portrayals. Narcissists don’t simply disappear into the sunset and live happily ever after. Disregard what you see on social media or hear through gossip; it’s all a carefully constructed illusion. If they lacked the capacity for kindness, empathy, and a moral compass with you, they won’t magically acquire them for someone else. They won’t suddenly transform into a decent, loving individual for their next source of supply.
Cease torturing yourself with the idea that someone else is receiving the love you were denied; it’s a fallacy. Implement blocking, prioritize your healing, and focus on self-love. What inevitably follows is a full-blown smear campaign. If you maintain your boundaries and resist their hoovering and the meddling of flying monkeys, they will resort to attacking your character and reputation. Narcissists are inherently bitter, resentful, and cowardly. Regardless of their own reprehensible behavior, they will portray themselves as either the hero or the victim, casting you as the villain.
Prepare yourself for this onslaught. They will attempt to manipulate others’ perceptions of you, resorting to lies, cruelty, and bizarre accusations to assassinate your character and reputation. This can be profoundly painful, especially during the early stages of healing. This underscores the importance of engaging in genuine healing work and cultivating a strong support system. Over time, you can develop resilience against this onslaught. When a narcissist can no longer control, manipulate, or exploit you directly, they attempt to control how others perceive you. Your task is to rise above the noise and remain largely, if not entirely, unaffected.
This is undoubtedly challenging, but it’s the reality of their playbook. Preparing for this worst-case scenario and prioritizing self-care are essential. By doing so, you’ll be significantly less affected by their smear tactics, regardless of who believes them.