You will know exactly what to say to a narcissist at the end of this article, and more crucially, how to say it in a way that will make the narcissist never think of bothering you again. Let's do it—this is going to be great!
Let's get started: what should you say to a narcissist to make them never think about teasing you again? First things first, it's critical to understand your audience. Remember that you are dealing with a petulant, entitled ingrate who lacks limits and has little to no empathy when you are dealing with someone who exhibits harmful narcissistic personality patterns. They might possibly have no conscience at all, which means they aren't even aware of how their actions and attitudes affect you. They are essentially unable to comprehend or care about the harmful and unfavorable impacts they have on your existence.
In addition, understand that you are dealing with a master
manipulator—someone who can and will lie with tremendous ease, someone
who will go to any lengths, lengths that you and I cannot even fathom,
just to get their way, just to win the right fight, just to be seen as
the good guy or girl or the victim to your villain, no matter how
appallingly they themselves have behaved. They will always find a way to
land on either the hero or the victim side of the story. Therefore, you
want to be sure to choose your battles wisely. And I’m going to be
straight with you: the truth is, more often than not, it’s going to be
in your best interest to simply not engage whatsoever. Instead, just
back away quietly and stay under the radar. Once you get away, stay away
for good.
But if for any reason that’s not an option for you, or if for any
reason you’re not quite ready, willing, or able to distance yourself
completely and you’re tired of being pushed around by the toxic bully,
then here’s what you need to know when it comes to what to say to a
narcissist for maximum effect and impact. Remember, it’s not so much
what you say, but how you say it that matters. It’s about the posture
you embody, the energy you carry, the frequency with which you
calibrate—in other words, your emotional intelligence, your sense of
self-worth, and your confidence. That matters more than anything else.
So, with all of that in mind, the first thing you want to do when
sending a narcissist a crystal-clear message is to leave all emotion out
of it—and I do mean all of it. I get that’s easier said than done,
especially when you’re hurting and haven’t even begun your personal
healing and recovery work. Regardless, know that that is the goal: zero
display of emotion, or as close to that as you can get. Do not, under
any circumstances, allow yourself to react to their provocations.
You want to put your business hat on and deal with them like it’s a
business transaction—no matter who they are, there is no room for
emotion if your goal is to actually communicate in a way that they never
even so much as think of messing with you moving forward. It’s all in
the delivery, friends.
Now, don’t worry—I’m going to give you plenty of examples of what to
say. But first, you want to find a way to stay calm, cool, and
collected, no matter what it takes. Make a conscious effort to focus on
your breath, stay in your body, and remain completely non-reactive. In
other words, underreact to the best of your ability, no matter how much
of a performance you have to muster. You can do this! You can react and
vent and do whatever it is that you need to do to express your very
legitimate hurt, anger, and frustration later on, when you’re by
yourself or with a trusted friend, a safe person who gets it and knows
the deal.
Again, if you want to communicate in a way that sends a very clear
message to the narcissist, then this is your starting point: whatever
you do, you’re going to have to find a way to remain calm, cold, even
completely detached, demonstrating as little feeling as humanly
possible.
Next, think counterintuitive. Forget reasoning with this person.
Forget being heard, understood, getting through to them, or getting your
needs met—it’s not going to happen. You have to remember that when it
comes to people who land on the spectrum of destructive narcissism,
you’re not dealing with a reasonable, rational adult. Rather, you’re
dealing with a wounded toddler in an adult body pretending to be an
adult. You’re dealing with an entitled, childish ingrate who feels
entitled to hurt you deeply and then blame you for the hurt they cause.
You’re dealing with someone who is running their own agenda, and that
agenda does not include working things out with you in a mutually
beneficial and healthy way. Quite the opposite, actually.
Furthermore, you’re dealing with someone who is going to be willing
to do and say whatever it takes to provoke you, to win the right fight,
to manipulate you into either getting their way or making you wrong,
bad, or the issue somehow, and more than anything, take the heat off
themselves. Of course, they’ll also go to great lengths to manipulate
the perceptions of others and to manipulate outcomes. And if they’re
resentful and motivated enough, they’re also going to be willing to go
to any lengths to seek revenge—and that’s probably the last thing you
need.
The truth is, because narcissists lack a fundamental moral compass, a
conscience, and they are empathy-impaired, they will go to lengths that
you and I cannot even conceive of. They don’t have the same emotional
response to their shocking attitudes and behavior, which is why they can
often be so shocking to us. They do and say all the things—they
contrive situations and circumstances, they manipulate and play games,
leaving great big chunks of the truth out of the equation.
So my point being: forget showing up with your big heart and all of
that love that you carry, and all that empathy—that is who you are, it’s
not who they are. Forget trying to become a better communicator—more
understanding, more patient, more tolerant, and long-suffering. Like,
“If only I could twist and contort myself enough, maybe I could make
this work.” Forget all of that. Forget showing up with what you would
normally show up with in a discussion with a reasonably sane and healthy
adult. Forget bringing that to the table with a destructive narcissist.
You’re not dealing with a reasonably sane and rational adult, so
everything that you would normally bring to the table of the
conversation with a relatively reasonable, sane, rational, and healthy
person isn’t actually going to work with the narcissist. So forget all
of it.
What you want to do instead is the exact opposite. That’s what I mean by “think counterintuitive.”
Now, here’s what you do want to do: with as much detached, flatline,
non-emotional, non-reactivity as you can possibly muster, use one-word
responses and super short, succinct, clear, and simple statements like:
- No
- No thank you
- I’m not available
- I can’t do that
- Thank you, but I’m not interested
The point being, “No” is a full and complete sentence when you’re
dealing with an empathy-impaired emotional manipulator hell-bent on
targeting and exploiting you. And it might take a little practice to get
good at this, so you might consider practicing in the mirror
beforehand. But if you can practice delivering the information with zero
emotion attached to it—no high-voltage energetic intensity coming off
of you when you’re saying what you need to say, super detached, super
clear, and succinct, followed by silence—you’ll find that the message
lands, whether they like it or not. Stand your ground and do not waver,
and they will hear you.
You don’t need to say those things out loud, but that is the posture
you want to embody when that is the message you want to send to an
individual who thinks it’s a good idea to target us. Believe me when I
tell you that your perfectly placed silence is going to make them far
more uncomfortable than you can even imagine.
Now, in addition, and where appropriate—this isn’t always going to be
appropriate for sure or work for you necessarily—but where appropriate,
you can say something like:
- “Okay”
- “Cool”
- “I’m okay with that”
- “Fine with me”
- Or one of my personal favorites: “I don’t care” and silence—not another word.
Again, let it land, and if you’re feeling brave, you can also say
something like, “Yeah, that’s not going to happen” and silence. Or
“That’s not going to work for me” and again, not another word.
Watch the narcissist become completely unraveled when they realize
they are fully and entirely powerless over you. This is how you ensure
that the narcissist never even thinks of messing with you again. Why?
Well, because it’s clear you are no fun to play with. You start
communicating like this, embodying that detached, flatline,
couldn’t-give-a-flying-bleep kind of energy, and communicating in this
fashion, letting the silence be what it is. Pretty soon, they’ll have to
go find someone else to play with, and you’ll be left alone and in
peace, able to get on with your happy, healthy, and productive life—able
to start moving in the direction of a much better life without all the
pain, drama, and trauma that the narcissist brings to the table.
